Giraffes

Let us discuss, for a moment, the topic of Giraffes. They are, without a doubt, a matter of extreme importance, and merit a position of great loft and heft and other such things. So much loft and heft in fact that many all-inclusive books – books that are apparently about Everything and have therefore a plethora of opening subjects to choose from – have been opened by them. Not literally “opened” of course, as we all know that Giraffes do not actually know how to read and are Merely Looking at the Pictures, and so rarely actually open books for fear of being laughed at by other animals who do know how to read and might be Looking Over Their Shoulders; but figuratively, because as you can see, the opening of this book is somehow entirely and tragically about Giraffes.
The great thing about Giraffes is that you can talk about them anywhere. You can talk about giraffes while you are Sitting at the Bus Stop, or Eating Acid, or Walking to Your Friend’s House Because You Left Your Sunglasses There Last Week and Just Happened to Bump Into Him at Seven Eleven. The best time to talk about giraffes is right before you meet a homeless guy named Moses who will hoodwink you and play you a song on his crazy wooden flute that will be The Worst Song You Have Ever Heard but will end exactly when you think it should, in the most awkward way possible – the way a friend says goodbye when you never really patched things up with him. You will clap and tell him it was awesome and you will mean it.
Giraffes have extraordinarily long memories. They can remember when Dr. Pepper Only Cost a Nickel and a buck fifty would get you a movie, a popcorn and a hand job in the back row if you played your cards right and didn’t go and piss your date off by bringing up The Holocaust or some other Totally Inappropriate Thing. Giraffes hate The Holocaust. They also hate Gypsies and Homosexuals. These are the only three things that giraffes have ever been documented as having strong feelings of resentment toward. (Though they have also been documented as having mild to moderate feelings of resentment toward a number of other things – namely: Lucky Charms, Hiccups, The Economy, Strawberry-Banana-Flavored-Yogurt, Syrupy Greeting Cards With Pictures of Puppies on Them, and Other Giraffes.) Giraffes have been known to hold grudges for up to a century at a time; the longest on record clocked in at one hundred and ten years and twenty three seconds, and was held by a Giraffe named Choco Fereldaby against his mother for Leaving the Toilet Seat Up.
One thing giraffes absolutely love is to draw pictures (remember, they are quite illiterate) of Very Important Things That Are Going to Happen in their day planners, so that they can fully prepare themselves for The Inevitable. Giraffes are fantastic at planning, and consequently you will always find them at the tops of things, and always with their heads above water. This leaves them with a fairly disposable income, and time to pursue a myriad of Leisurely Activities. On a stifling day in any major American city, you can find veritable gangs of female giraffes slathering themselves with olive oil and taking to the streets in search of The Perfect Tan. They never find it, though they will spend hours looking down every storm drain, inside every derelict microwave, and Under Every Stone. When they are not doing this, Giraffes enjoy Lounging on The Balcony, Drinking Excessively, Eating in Fancy Restaurants, and Rape. Their absolute favorite thing to do in the world is watch as your own feeble organizational skills fail in every way to prepare you for The Future, and your once promising life is prematurely snuffed out by a lack of sharpened pencils, sharpened wit and an open day planner – that, and a penchant for Saying Fuck It, Smoking Weed and Playing Call of Duty 4 All Day. Giraffes are fairly vicious bastards.
The other very intriguing thing about giraffes is that they were invented by Scientologists to communicate with The Mother Ship. This is why they have Those Useless Little Lumps That Look Like They May Once Have Been Horns on top of their heads. Do not ever, ever mention these Lumps to a giraffe; they are incredibly self-conscious about them, and they will kill and eat you for bringing it up. If you ever find yourself being killed and eaten by a giraffe, the best course of action to take is to Play Dead: struggling, as we all know, will only prolong The Inevitable.