Hot Blonde Friends

Hot Blonde Friends are absolutely the worst enemies one can have. Personally, I try to keep my number of Hot Blonde Friends to a minimum, though this strategy is only marginally effective, because one Hot Blonde Friend can easily draw as much attention as ten Hot Brunette Friends and five Hot Redheads. My advice when dealing with Hot Blonde Friends is Do Not Invite Them to Places Where There Are Guys You Want to Fuck. If you have your eye on a particular male, do not ever introduce him to your Hot Blonde Friend, because whether she means to or not, she will steal him, and you will end up sitting in your apartment at Twelve Twenty On a Saturday Night, watching Revolutionary Road and Drinking White Wine by Yourself. You will probably also be texting your ex-boyfriend who lives two states away, asking him what he is up to, and wondering if he would just like to Chat for a bit. If and when he responds, you will usually end up insulting him because you are Very Drunk and somewhat Pissed Off.
When you go out with your Hot Blonde Friend, you have to keep in mind that she has Very Long Blonde Hair, and that you yourself have Very Short Mousy Brown Hair, and that guys usually dig Long Blonde Hair, and usually don’t give two fucks about Very Short Mousy Brown Hair (because sinking one’s hands into Long Blonde Hair while Fucking Extravagantly From Behind is probably a lot more Fun.) The Long Blonde Hair Situation is a tough situation to navigate, especially for the Socially Awkward. It requires a great deal of finesse, and should usually only be attempted by the Extremely Self-Confident, or the Criminally Insane. Going to a bar with a Hot Blonde Friend can be incredibly damaging to one’s self-esteem if not given the proper consideration or planning. Do not ever involve yourself in a situation where Raspberries or any other kind of Fresh Fruit is present, because your Hot Blonde Friend will undoubtedly know all kinds of Tricks of the Trade utilizing said things, and you will be left watching as she Repeatedly Catches Raspberries in her Mouth, Eats Them off People’s Fingers and just Thoroughly Enjoys Herself. Once any of the aforementioned things have happened, you are basically done for, because her confidence and presence will continue to climb, as yours slowly but surely buries itself like a forgotten pet.
If you are better at Holding Your Liquor than a Hot Blonde Friend, my suggestion is that you get As Trashed As You Can before even leaving the house (and by house I mean apartment), because a Drunk Hot Blonde is at least ten times more appealing than a sober one, and a Sober Mousy Brunette is never attractive. Though you may think that your Ability to Hold Liquor, and your Excellence With Cigarettes is a turn-on, it turns out that guys usually don’t like Girls Who Can Do the Same Things As Them. They especially don’t like girls who can do the same things as them, only better. It has come to my attention recently that guys like girls because they are not guys – they are girls, and they do Those Adorable Things That Girls Do. Similarly, girls generally like guys because they are guys and they do Those Infuriating Things That Guys Do. While this seems both blatantly obvious and somewhat ridiculous, I have found out that to attempt to change this situation, even slightly, usually Does Not Work.
The worst thing about Hot Blonde Friends – one of those things that makes you feel like a Terrible Human Being – is that they are your best friend, and you love them. The other Really Depressing Thing is that you know that they love you back, because last night they made you Macaroni and Cheese at Three in the Morning when you were Wasted and crashing at their house.